Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.