the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...