I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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