just come out here and I will go home with you...
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
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Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.