i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.