All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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