my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
