So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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