i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
