I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
