so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
