Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Randomize
