tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
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I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You ate ashes out of my bong
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize