We're like a lot better than the average bears
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
