I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
