You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Randomize
