i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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