I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Randomize
