hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
