Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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