Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
