So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
