I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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