I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
