dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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