she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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