What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
