Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
