the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
