I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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