I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize