The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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