FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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