I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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