When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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