I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm too high and old for this...
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