Grow some girl-balls and come out already
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
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