if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
