I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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