Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
