The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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