i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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