I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I will die if light touches me.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Randomize
