you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
