Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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