I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
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Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
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I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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