I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
