I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
