She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
