Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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