she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
