shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
