Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
