This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
