I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
