just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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