I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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