I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
