god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
