Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
