Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
