All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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