Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
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