sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
